IT'S ALL ME

I know what I’m doing, I do not refuse to write because I can’t or because I don’t have topics, but I do it because I’m scared of having to face how empty I feel, I’m scared of having to examine the thoughts I hide away continuously. I’m scared I might finally have to give myself the advice I don’t want to take and because of these fears I have shut myself away. My creativity is trapped behind tiredness or business, and it’s not helping. I know it’s not helping but how do I pull myself out of this continuous fear? The most scary part being that this feeling is so silent and gentle that I can conveniently pretend it doesn’t exist but the more I do that the larger a portion of my mind that gets swallowed up in the darkness, the less of myself I recognize. I know I say this a lot but I am genuinely stressed, I feel sad but I’m scared to say so because I don’t know the reason behind the emotion.

Everything in my mind is in chaos, tumultuous. I have cut activities I find fun because I realized that I had begun to use them as a way to hide from addressing my actual state. Not as if I’m addressing it now but a problem shared is a problem half solved they say. The only thing I feel like doing is to sigh, loudly, deeply, and… sadly. Because it feels like there’s something rotting in my chest, in my heart and it hurts because the more I write about it the less I actually know what it is and the more it gets buried. I don’t even know who I am for certain anymore but who cares? Because who was I ever? I have been here before, and I probably will be again. I have given up on feeling happiness but sadness wasn’t what I had hoped for either, I had been numb a number of times but all that makes me feel inhuman. I already feel like an outcast so there’s no need to make it any worse by numbing my mind. So I had at least settled for contentment or peace if you’d like, but that can’t work when there’s something rotting in my chest.

All the heavy talk aside loveli, I really hope you enjoyed this little peek into my mind, if you did ensure to share with those you love. I hope you know you bring a smile to my face each second you take out of your day to read about my day so I hope this puts a smile on your face or eases your stress even if it’s just for a second because you deserve every good thing. Bye for now.