IT'S ALL ME

Life is a game of chess, and best believe I’m gonna play it. I’m still at the bus station and now every luggage that is not attached to your body has to be paid for, not really how excess luggage works one would think, but here in Nigeria everything functions like a broken system dawdling on broken wheels, that flattens everyone on its path and shreds everything it comes across in pieces.

First thing on my mind, avoid the back seat at all costs. Otherwise prepare to be buried under poorly secured luggage, as the motion from the moving bus causes them to topple over onto you. Well maybe my opinions are a little negative today cuz I’m kinda sad. Funny thing is I had this break-up situation recently, that really hurt and I thought I had handled it but it’s about a month after and I realize I lost an entire part of my identity trying to hide away from the overwhelming emotions… is this how hurtful caring will  always be? Could I have changed the outcome? Should I have changed the outcome?… 

With all those questions and more I buried a part of myself I considered a weak-link and now when I watch the things that I’m doing, I’m realize that I’m spiralling, and while I know I have moved on from the relationship, I’m not sure if every part of me made it out…  cuz it’s instinctual not to want to get hurt again but if I barred of parts of my mind from even myself, how will I ever get them back.

I watched the movie All American: homecoming and someone said feel all the feelings, that was funny because my elder brother told me the exact same thing so why were the words  reappearing again now. It’s just I’ve been pushing off this sort of an all-time-low for a while now, but everything got so loud when I wasn’t paying attention and the smoothly held marble walls of my heart shattered, each stone rolling away, tumbling down into darkness… will I always feel like this? No, definitely not (or atleast I hope so). But do I want to keep doing the partial heal and paste I’ve been doing all my life? No, So I’m gonna try feeling all the feelings and hopefully I make it out alive…